Photo via Amazon.com
One of my favorite blogs is Free-Range Kids, written by Lenore Skenazy. Lenore is a mom and writer who caused quite a stir a few years ago with an article she wrote for the New York Sun about letting her nine year old son take the subway home alone. She was stunned by the amount of responses the article generated — both pro and con. From “You go girl!” shout-outs and parents excited that somebody else wanted kids to have more independence, to messages of outrage accusing her of child-endangerment and neglect.
The story also landed her on numerous TV News shows and radio call-in shows, splashing her across the land billed as, “America’s Worst Mom?” The experience led to her website, and really, the birth of a movement. Next month her book, Free-Range Kids, is being published. I am really excited to read it. You can read the introduction chapter here.
If you haven’t already, I highly encourage you to check out the website, which Skenazy dedicates to “sane” parenting. Spend some time exploring the comments on For or Against the issue. Read some posts and background information. Regardless of where you fall on this hot-button issue, or whether you have kids or not, it’s a fascinating topic and snapshot of today’s society.
Now, childhood safety is a serious issue, and how a society cares for the welfare of its children is a reflection of its strength and health. That said, there is a difference between real danger and perceived danger. Due to the 24-7 presence of media in our world and the prevalence of internet-based information (both good and bad), Americans are bombarded with messages of alarm and fear about EVERYTHING, including the safety of our children.
For example, the perception is that child abductions by strangers common and are on the raise. According to the U.S. Department of Justice (Finkelhor et al, 2002), the reality is that the numbers are very remote, and have actually declined over the last 20 years. There is a compelling 2007 article by L.J. Williamsom, “Let Kids Outdoors,” that is a good read on the subject.
Meanwhile, the perception is that children are safe indoors playing unsupervised on the internet, when the reality is that one out of five 10 to 17 year olds receive unsolicited sexual solicitations while surfing the net (U.S. Department of Justice, 2001). They also engage in risky online behaviors, such as giving out their personal information, including address and phone numbers, as well as arranging to meet strangers they encountered on the internet. According to Wiredsafety.org, younger children (eight to 15 year olds) are often exposed to inappropriate violent or sexual content on the internet — as many as nine out of ten children.
Perceived versus real danger. Raising “Free Range Kids” or not? This is a big topic, and of course, one not easily tackled in a single blog post. Regardless, it’s an important issue to discuss, and obviously a strong element of the play and reconnecting kids with nature movements, among many others.
I would love to hear your thoughts. Let’s continue to keep this issue on the table.
See ya outside! – The Grass Stain Guru
Great topic! I struggle with this myself…I am fortunate to live in a small community, so I am not sure how I would fare in an urban area.
My daughter spends her afternoons roaming the wooded area behind our house with friends – they look for salamanders & bones and build forts. I think she gains SO much from these experiences – enough that I am able to keep the frightening abduction thoughts at bay. Although I do insist that she has at least one friend with her and she carries a walkie talkie…
Hugely fascinating topic. I think I run the full gamut of emotions on this.
First, I don’t think Ms. Skenazy is a bad mom for allowing that. However, would I do it? Nah. My luck is legendary. While my kids have always been encouraged to play out side, for me, a nine-year-old is too young for the subway alone in this day and age.
That said, I totally agree that we have perceptions that are inaccurate and that Americans are bombarded with frightening possibilities.
But, the thing is, in the town next door, a young girl was abducted by a stranger many years ago. Her family still drives around with the missing sign on their car windows. Just too big of a reminder for me.
Anyway, I am certain that Ms. Skenazy has written a very interesting book – thanks for sharing it!
Glad a parent finally had the guts to write a book that needed to be written. Parents – you are doing a disservice to your kids by trapping them where “you” feel comfortable. Let them be independent kids, and they will be independent adults. Controlling their every move is a recipe for disaster. More people should see kids as their own people, not a carbon copy of themselves. Thanks for bringing attention to this book.
I am a super worrier. I’ve only recently started letting our 7 and 4 yr old boys go in the back yard alone. My reasoning is that it’s not fully fenced in so it wasn’t safe. I’ve been noticing more and more that our 7 yr old is developing some of the same “worry patterns” and I don’t want that to happen. So, Mama’s stepping out of her comfort zone and giving the kids some freedom. We live in a super small, super great town. I know they’re fine back there. Right? :worried: No, no. They’re fine.
What a great post, Bethe! I hear my coworkers talking sometimes about how they don’t let their kids play outdoors because it’s not safe.
I think it really depends on your neighborhood. If I had kids in the area where we live now, I’d definitely not let them play unsupervised. There are just too many folks driving too fast on our street and too many drugs. If we lived somewhere safer, like Decatur or something like this, I’d feel much better about it.
I think the question of the 9-year-old taking the subway is a similar one. Where was he headed? Safety is so situational.
I had this exact conversation with someone yesterday at church including the talk about stranger abductions and everything seaming worse than when we were kids because information is available 24/7.
We can’t keep our kids wrapped in bubble wrap forever. I’d rather have my older son at the park with a group of friends on a Saturday afternoon than stuck in the house all day playing videos or worse: being BORED.
We need to teach them to be responsible – stay in groups, the exact routes to walk, how to react to strangers, etc.
I am fortunate that I live in a small community. Is it nerve wracking sometimes to not be in complete control of what is going on my son’s life. Sure. But it’s better than the alternative of raising a child who can’t do anything without me.
I’ll be very interested in reading this book when it comes out.
Great post! I was raised very free-range, as most kids were where I grew up. It concerns me that kids in my neighbourhood are anything but free-range, and I am raising my 3 year old as best as I can towards that goal. It requires safety awareness, self-awareness, and responsibility on the part of the child, and safety awareness, age-appropriateness awareness (hrm, not sure I phrased that one well), planning, teaching, and trust on the part of the parent. All good things to encourage, in my opinion.
Great post! I remember the uproar that the article Lenore Skenazy wrote caused. For someone that doesn’t live in New York and could only imagine it, 9 years old seemed far too young to ride the subway alone. But to each their own.
As a parent I am far too worried about letting my kids have too much freedom. It is not just a fear of stranger abduction though and agree that far too much emphasis is placed on this issue. We do not have sidewalks where we are, so even though we are within walking distance of many places, it is too dangerous for me to think about allowing that kind of exploration in the near future.
That said, our backyard is fenced and I let the kids roam out there independently. They are very creative and get more down and dirty when I am not out there to monitor them. Of course I also spend my fair share outside with them, but I think it is important to give them time to explore alone- or just with each other.
Wow– such amazing comments! Just really thoughtful. Thanks so much for that. In response to Becky’s comment, Lenore’s son was heading home from a store.
It’s so strange, I live in the inner city — DC. Kids here travel in small groups, or even pairs or on own. They play in the park, they take the metro, they walk to the store, and they walk to school. Of course, younger children have adult supervision, but it is rare to NOT see kids outside, and often w/o adults. I travel to the suburbs, and I rarely see a child outside, unless it is on the soccer field. It’s actually a marked difference.
As David mentioned, there is a lot more to the issue than just the ability to go outside, but rather the impact on childrens’ development and the type of adults they will become.
I will be using the 10 Perspectives Post (http://tinyurl.com/d8ocfu) as a jumping off piece for us. I plan on doing posts on each of these perspectives, and speaking more to the many aspects of the independence and safety issues.
Obviously, “stranger danger” is not the only issue that we should look at when it comes to kids being outside alone or in child-led groups. There are access and planning issues and more. I am looking forward to discussing them all.
SO MUCH to talk about here. Very excited to be having the conversation with you all. Cheers- Bethe
I encourage my 4 year old to play outside in all kinds of weather – she loves the rain and snow. She’s only four years old, so she must stay in our fenced-in yard if I’m not outside with her. As long as I can see or hear her back there, I know she’s okay. She’s also required to take the dogs outside with her…. maybe it gives me a false sense of security, but I know the dogs will bark if anything or anyone approaches our house or yard.
RT New post @ The Grass Stain Guru. Going Free-Range: Are Kids Safe Outdoors? http://bitly.com/FXe6
Just home, reading article by @balmeras about the concept of free-range kids at http://bitly.com/FXe6 and comment by author Lenore Skenazy.
RT @balmeras New post @ The Grass Stain Guru. Going Free-Range: Are Kids Safe Outdoors? http://bitly.com/FXe6 Pls RT.
RT @balmeras New post @ The Grass Stain Guru. Going Free-Range: Are Kids Safe Outdoors? http://bitly.com/FXe6 Pls RT.
@JohannaBD From http://bitly.com/FXe6 – free-range parenting is opposite of helicopter parenting (hovering, always aware …our style).
Hi! It’s Lenore here — the mom who let her 9-year-old ride the subway alone. I love the post and the comments here and am so glad this is becoming a bona fide “issue.” I am a worrier myself — I worry if my kids are happy, well-adjusted, doing ok in school — but some worries have been foisted upon us parents. For instance, we worry about abductions so much more today because we see them all the time on TV. TV even goes to Portugal and to Aruba to find these “juicy” stories, because producers know that the scarier the story, the more we’ll tune in. They don’t care if this ends up skewing our perception of the world, and neither do the producers of shows like Law & Order, or CSI.
Then there are all the advice books and parenting magazines that could never sell a single copy if you thought you could do a good enough job raising your kid on your own. So they have to warn you, “Seven things your child should never eat!” or, “Six ways to raise a super smart baby!” to make you think: “Oh, I need an expert’s advice or my child will fall behind (and maybe even die).”
THEN (one last rant, here ) there are the ever-growing moutains of safety products that have to convince you your child is in danger before you’d waste your money on them. Things like GPS devices you can sew into your child’s backpack. By the time a company has convinced you that that is necessary, they’ve also convinced you that even letting your child step outside is asking for trouble.
So — all I really want to say is: Hooray for this site, and all of us here, taking a step back and looking at the brainwashing that has convinced us our children are in mortal peril, despite the fact we are living in the safest time for children since the dawn of humankind. That’s it.
Yours —
Lenore “Free-Range Kids” Skenazy (www.freerangekids.com)
RT @balmeras: COOLEST blogger moment EVER 4 me! Free Range mom & author just commented on the post!! Check it out! http://bitly.com/FXe6
Way back in 1976, when NYC was going through what is often referred to as a dark period, I had my two 10 year old nieces visit me from Michigan. I had to work some of the time they were here, so I gave them some cash and told them to take a cab from my apartment in the West Village to Lincoln Center (where I worked) – wrote it down on a piece of paper for them “65th St. and Broadway, SW corner”. They made it just fine, and we had lunch, then I put them in a taxi back to the apartment.
Later on during their visit, I dropped them at the theater for a performance of “A Chorus Line”, made a reservation for them to have dinner afterwards at Ma Bell’s across the street and then visited my husband in the hospital while they enjoyed a night on the town. I met them for dessert and paid the bill and we all went home together.
Would I do that now? Probably not. Would I have done it if they were my own kids? Maybe not. Although in 1994, when my own daughter was 10, I used to let her walk alone from an apartment on 65th St to her ballet classes at SAB (only two very safe blocks) – but I was miles away and sometimes worried a teensy bit. It was always comforting to hear from her later in the day when she had returned after class and would call me to talk.
I grew up free and wanted the same for my own . . .
Great post Bethe! Something I think all parents struggle with. We live in a “transition” area of Oakland, CA. Never personally feel unsafe, but some of our fellow residents would happily fence all of our belongings in a heart beat. It breaks my heart to think about the freedom’s I had as a kid (walking over a mile to the pool alone, hours biking who knows where) and feeling I can’t give the same to mine.. and the small freedom’s I think are reasonable are met with horror. It saddens me a great deal. Can’t wait to read the book and will bookmark the blog today.
http://tinyurl.com/csxegw The argument for Free-Range kids! Are you for or against?
@VickiEhlers RT @balmeras New post @ The Grass Stain Guru. Going Free-Range: Are Kids Safe Outdoors? http://bitly.com/FXe6 Pls RT.
Really interesting topic and always timely, and a reflection of our society and the culture of fear as a whole. I don’t have kids, but I can only imagine the struggle they have with this issue. Thanks for the post!
Again, I am really moved by all these comments. Lots of folks struggling with the same fear — everyone remembering the joy and freedom of our childhoods. Thanks for keeping the conversation going.
Cheers- Bethe
I love Lenore’s site. I have four kids and I’m always in trouble with neighbors and authorities for letting them get themselves in (and out) of trouble on their own. More power to child empowerment.
I have never seen a blog with such thoughtful comments (and I read a lot of blogs). It’s nice that you jump in to moderate and keep the conversation flowing, too.
I marvel that my sis and I rode our bikes – alone – for miles to the Liquor Store to buy candy! We played in the creek, caught tadpoles, even skinned our knees. I once got stung by a bee without adult supervision. Do I look back on these as horrible, frightful experiences? Nope. I never felt abandoned or neglected by my parents. I was a kid – but I was confident. I actually look back fondly on these experiences because I responded like a “grown up” even though I wasn’t.
I just discovered Ms. Skenazy’s book and blog last week. I’m going to go make cookies now and lick the spoon (see her Death on a Spoon post).
Thanks for the kind words, Michele. I know — I am just tickled with these comments! Having blogged for an organization before, but never myself– this is a whole different level of interaction, and I adore it.
I really appreciate your “confident” comment — that is so spot on. Kids can develop true confidence when it comes through real life experiences and situations.
Oh so much to talk about… Cheers- Bethe
My very best childhood memories are of playing outside with my sisters. I want my little girls to have those same memories.
Like all moms, I worry. But a big worry I have is children who aren’t allowed to fully develop their creativity and connection with the outdoors.
Can’t wait to read Lenore Skenzay’s book when it comes out! Great post!
According to the FBI, it is very safe being a child today. Media tries to scare us with stories from around the nation and around the world, this makes us inclined to keep our children inside…inside and without adults is very dangerous…outside, less boredom, less danger. If we are more selective in the kind of news we read and the source it comes from we will lose our irrational fears and start living more in the real world…a great place to be.
Writing a comment on @balmeras blog “Going Free-Range: Are Kids Safe Outside?”http://tinyurl.com/csxegw
Hi Bethe,
Great post! Thanks for touching on this important topic, and for the book recommendation–I’ll be looking for it!
Yeah, I do think that although we can make the argument that the world has changed, and there are more cars and more people out there (therefore also more bad people), what’s changed the most is us parents–we’re an overprotective bunch, and remove too many obstacles and unpleasantness from our kids lives, sometimes to their detriment.
It’s hard to strike the right balance between over-protectiveness and reasonable caution, and it seems like we’re more comfortable with erring on the side of over-caution. The danger with over cautious parenting is also real. And even though I now let my kids play outside unsupervised I don’t think I’m as calm and confident as my mother was doing so, and I’m sure my kids feel that too. Not that easy, being a parent.
Why are we Moms still nervous, even with the facts? http://tinyurl.com/csxegw
I agree with Chris, who says we have perceptions that are inaccurate and that Americans are bombarded with frightening possibilities. It’s good to let kids be kids so they can grow into independent adults. Parents don’t necessarily want children who are totally dependent. But there needs to be balance.
Never be afraid to contact authorities and request statistics that may be relevant to your area. And if someone mentions law-enforcement agency comments, don’t hesitate to dig deeper for specific stats, like the year and category, etc.
Melanie mentions the needs for children to have many types of awareness. Also planning teaching, and trust on the part of parents. This is vital, and will help them function on a better level their entire lives.
Becky say safety is situational Absolutely. And while controlling childrens’ every move may be a recipe for disaster, there are times when it’s important to do what’s necessary to ensure safety. Amanda has her daughter be with a friend and carry a walkie talkie.
Lenore Skenazy commented that by the time a company has convinced you that a huge amount of safety products necessary, “…they’ve also convinced you that even letting your child step outside is asking for trouble.” Again, there’s a balance for each situation, one that only parents can choose. As Dr. Ayala says, “Not that easy, being a parent.”
This is an excellent group of comments on a highly combustible issue. Kudos to everyone who’s contributed.
Thanks to Susana for her additions, as well as her recap of these amazing comments. Without a doubt, this is the most thoughtful set of responses I have ever seen on a blog post. I am honored they happened to be on mine.
Cheers- Bethe
I also love Free Range Kids.
One thing that hasn’t been mentioned here, and I wonder what other people think. Does the child feel safe? We live in NYC, and my daughter is in sixth grade. Nearly all of the other kids go to school unaccompanied, but we always take my daughter to school and pick her up. She doesn’t feel comfortable riding the subway two stops to her school yet. It’s not something we would ever push either. She’ll be ready when she’s ready.
Really good point, Peter. It is key to gauge a child’s feelings as well. Would love to have more folks chime in on this.
Cheers- Bethe
Great points, all. Safety–nor danger–is absolute, and this benign image of staying at home using a computer, thanks for the reminder of what actually happens “out there” in cyberspace. I think one of the best things we can do is help nurture our kids’ trust of their *own* instincts–that, and their feet (assuming they have the ability to run) will be their best protectors throughout their life. Even at age 5 5/6, I try to ask my son things like, “Is it safe to cross the street?” so that he gets to develop those internal assessment muscles himself. -Jill (www.awakeparent.com)